


Spiritum...

by yuu_liarrs



Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: Angst?, Anxiety, Boys Kissing, Conan is Shin's little brother okay, Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Conan, OOC characters, Oops, Shin knows about kid being kaito, Shinichi and Kaito already know each other, anyway enough about me, cute boys being cute, emotional support by shin, i should do my other things but oops nope, kaito being kid i mean, kaito is sad, motivation is a bitch, send help im doing a thing, sh, shinichi wants to help, thats an actual ta g
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-10-02 10:14:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10215620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuu_liarrs/pseuds/yuu_liarrs
Summary: Kaito Kuroba looked like a well put together person, he always boasted about his magic, and he always messed with people. But he could break down at the slightest of things. And this was one of them.(its pretty much discontinued so dont read)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please correct me if im wrong but the title means "Breathe" in latin.
> 
> does anyone want to beta this for me ? i'd really appreciate that. I don't really know where i'm going so i apologize.
> 
> Probably ooc oops sorr y

The brunette laughed bitterly. Of course. Another fail. Again and again he was just nothing but failure. The arm that held the gem fell to his sides, stiff again as he kept laughing. The man clad in white's laughter soon died out as a small sob crawled out instead.  He shook his head and wiped at his eyes, Kaito knew he couldn't do this here. The door to the room he was in opened, and Shinichi Kudou appeared in the doorway. "KID," He said, walking over. Kuroba looked at him, a tear still in his eye.

"Aaah, Meitantei-Kun, nice to see you here" He winked, tipping his hat. He tossed the gem to Shinichi, but before he could, the other brunette grabbed his arm, holding tightly. Footsteps approached the room. "My, my. So straightforward. Take a thief out to dinner first," He had winked afterward, grinning. The door burst open again and Nakamori and his crew ran in.

"Kaitou Kid !" He yelled, anger in his voice. The thief placed the gem in Shinichi's hand and took a step towards the window. 

"And this is when I take my leave, see you next illusion!" The man in white laughed and tripped? Fell? Purposely let himself fall out the window? That last one seemed to make the most sense. Everyone ran towards the window to see nothing. There was no one there. Kaitou Kid had escaped again. Of course.

 

The man in white made it back to his house, and all the tears he had been holding in finally fell. He felt so worthless, so useless.  He felt like he didn't matter at all. That no matter what he did, he could never live up to his father. He could never be as good as his father. He could never be Kaitou Kid. Kaito choked on only what could be a sob. He couldn't breathe. The man still in white curled up on the balcony, sobbing into his arms. He didn't know why he thought he could ever live up to be as good as his father. Never.

"Kaitou! Kaitou!" Shinichi kneeled in front of the boy in white, shaking his shoulders. "Kaitou, breathe! In, one... two... three," The brunette said softly and Kaito did what he said without question. "Out, four... five... six... seven." This continued until Kuroba was breathing okay. Crying still, yes, but breathing okay. 

"Sorry, Shinichi." He dropped the 'Kaitou Kid' act and went back to just being himself again. "I didn't mean for you to see that. I'm pathetic."

"You'r-"

"I'm a pathetic thief that's been looking for two years and can't even find what he's looking for! Two years... Two years trying to find one thing. But I can't find it! What if they already found it, Shinichi? What if what I'm doing is in vain. I'm just a useless thief," He had yelled, more tears falling down his face just to land on his white uniform. He looked down and his shoulders shook violently. "I'm useless. I'll never be as good as  _him._ " Kaito spoke with such emotion, that even someone like Shinichi -who was more logic than emotion- would get sad. "He was so great, - _hic-_ but here I am, clearly nowhere near where I need to be."

"Kaito, listen to me. You're not pathetic. You're not useless, and you're certainly not worthless! When Conan went missing all those years ago, it took me two years to find him. I was like you then, sad and crying. But we did eventually find him," Shinichi tried to reason with him, but it looked like he didn't understand what Shin was trying to say. It wasn't a surprise, he was bad at emotioning. "Look, what I mean is that you will find it. If you continue looking hard enough you will find what you need.  Please, don't beat yourself up like this, it... It makes me sad." The detective had said, hugging the thief. "I'm sure your father never thinks of you as 'under' him." Shinichi had tried, he didn't know what would work. After all, Shin didn't know how to emotion. He was more of a logic centered guy.

Kaito tried to say something, but the sobs and hiccups rendered him unable. There were more tears on raining down his cheeks, like his eyes were clouds in a heavy storm. "Do you - _hic-_ really think that my dad doesn't think I'm under him?" The brunette hiccuped again, unable to say anymore. Shinichi started to pet his hair.

"Yes, Kaito. I'm sure of it."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Kaito-kun, are you okay? Aoko is worried"  
> "Kuroba-Kun, what's bothering you?"  
> "Kuroba, is something wrong?"
> 
> "I'm fine."
> 
> spoiler alert-  
> he wasn't.

Kuroba Kaito walked to school with Aoko and Saguru the next day like he always did. But, he was silent; which was weird. He also had dark bags under his eyes from not sleeping at all that night. Shinichi had stayed up all night with him, Kaito tried to get him to sleep, but he was too stubborn to. The indigo-eyed boy sighed deeply, staring ahead of him with a frown. He looked so tired and looked simply terrible. Kuroba just had no energy to keep up a poker face, so he didn't. The brunette looked at his two friends who stopped walking. They looked at him so weirdly, almost like they were worried? No. There was nothing wrong with him, right? He was fine. He totally wasn't thinking of how  _worthless_ he was compared to his dad.  _No. Not at all_ (Note the sarcasm). Kaito tried his best to fake a smile, probably wasn't convincing at all. Whatever, he couldn't find it in himself to care, at all really. "What's with those looks, guys?" The teen said, with a laugh that was probably bitter and was definitely sounded forced. Still, Kaito couldn't find it in himself to care. 

"Kaito-Kun? Are you alright? Aoko is worried," The brown haired girl said, walking towards Kaito. She was frowning, and as what she said, worried. But Kuroba just waved her off and told her he was fine. Told her that nothing was wrong and not to worry. Not to think that he was hurting at all. Nooo(Again, note the sarcasm). He walked ahead of them, not caring that that had told them that something was wrong. For some reason, Kaito just had no energy to feel anything other than tiredness and self-loathing. Hakuba and Aoko shared a look. They were worried, very worried. It may look like Saguru and Kuroba hate each other, but they are actually really close and care.

* * *

Kuroba made it to class, surprisingly early. He sat down and got out his tablet, looking for the articles about last night's heist. "Kaitou KID acting strangely???", " Fangirls all agree that there was something wrong with KID-sama", "Nakamori states that that something up with Kaitou KID at last night's heist!" They were endless. Stories about how people thought something was wrong just by how the heist went, and how his traps were. The teen almost wanted to cry, no wait, he definitely wanted to cry. Kaito felt sick, like someone just punched him in the stomach. Almost like someone took the air out of his lungs. Someone who was in the classroom gave him a concerned look. The boy just closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He would be fine. Yes, totally.  The brunette looked at more of the articles before just shutting it off. He didn't know he was that obvious. Kaito shook his head, looking around. There were two people in the classroom. He walked to the window and opened it, before he left he pressed his finger to his lips and looked at the students. "I was never here, okay?" He said and they nodded, not wanting to wake up tomorrow with rainbow hair. 

The brunette jumped out a window and left out a back entrance so no one would notice him leaving. Kaito just walked and walked, not knowing where to go. The sun wasn't up and surely he couldn't go home. The teen sighed loudly-how many times had he sighed today? The magician shook his head, and after awhile, found a park with no one in it. Something made him want to be there, so he sat on a swing quietly. He snapped his fingers and he was out of his uniform. People would know he was skipping if he was still in uniform. Kaito didn't even know what to do, he had a full free day of nothing. He didn't want to even think of a gem. It made him shudder. Knowing that people knew something was bothering him, knowing that he was a  _failure._ His knuckles tightened on the chains of the swing. 

" _You're a failure and you know it, Kaito,_ " A voice that was too similar to his father's spoke from... somewhere? His mind?  Kaito hissed. He knew that he was a failure, he  _knew_ that. But Kaito didn't need his father telling him that. Suddenly, it became hard for him to breathe. It was like the word "failure" crawled into his throat and stopped his lungs. He couldn't breathe, and again tears were welling in his eyes. " _You're not a good Kaitou Kid, and you will never be. You can never be me. What were you thinking, son_?" The voice taunted him, telling him things he already knew, but made them  _so much worse_. Kaito covered his face with his hands and held back a sob. He knew this was useless, his search for pandora, that was. "  _What are you even doing? It's been two years and you haven't found pandora yet. HAHAHA. How utterly_ useless.  _Kaito, you are_ useless. _It's laughable, you know."_ Kuroba wanted to yell, to scream. He wanted this to stop. All he wanted was to find his father's murderers, but obviously that that  _Impossible_ for him.  Even the voice of his father was laughing at him. Was he really that small? Did he really not mean anything? A choked noise left his throat and tears fell through his fingers. He just wanted to know  _why_. Why everything was going wrong. What had even started this? Why.. " _You know this Kaito."_

 _"Once upon a time, there was a man by the name of Kuroba Toichi who was a brilliant magician. He had a wife named Chikage and together they were secretly the Phantom Lady and "_ _The Magician Under the Moonlight" Kaitou KID. One day, 10 years ago, Toichi was trying a magic trick. But he died trying. It was no accident. Kuroba Toichi was murdered, Kaitou. I was murdered, but I don't see you doing a thing. Why? Anyway, two years ago, you found my equipment and learned the truth about that day. You took up the name Kaitou KID two years ago, but you're no closer. It's laughable. Hahahahahahaha..."_ The laughing continued and Kaitou wanted it to stop. 

"Please stop. Please... stop," He muttered to himself, it just coming out as a sob. He just wanted the mental  _torture_ to stop. His father wouldn't say that. He wouldn't say that, Kaito kept telling himself. It wasn't him. The brunette got up and ran into the forest that was right next to the park, sitting under a tree. He tried to wipe away the tears that kept falling, the tears that he, himself caused.  Kaitou wanted to just... die. That would end everything, right? Death. Kuroba laughed out loud. He knew he couldn't do that. He had Jii-chan and Aoko and Hakuba and Shinchi and.... Well, the list went on and on.  The teen curled up there, head in his knees. He didn't want to leave, and he didn't want to be found. He sobbed into his legs as his phone vibrated in his pocket, ignored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know Toichi would never say anything like that. it's just kaito telling himself what he does -and doesn't- want to hear.
> 
> aLSO YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE PAIN I WENT THROUGH WHILE WRITING THIS  
> IT TOOK 6 HOURS. S I X H O U R S.  
> BECAUSE I CLOSED THE TAB ON ACCIDENT WHEN I WAS ALMOST FINISHED. THAT WAS THE FIRST 3 HOURS. THE LAST 3 HOURS WAS ME CRYING AND THEN RE-WRITING  
> yall are lucky i promised a chapter to a friend,,,,


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yknow i have no idea where this is going lol  
> oops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanna do art for this fic  
> i really do  
> but like  
> MOTIVATION, WHERE YOU AT ??  
> i know how to draw kaito and shinichi will be similar so i mean eh  
> ill try  
> but like  
> updates or drawings is the question...  
> you can find my art here:  
> Tumblr: [@yuiyuuyu](https://yuiyuuyuu.tumblr.com/)  
> Instagram: [@yuiyuuyu](https://www.instagram.com/yuiyuuyu/)  
> just a note its midnight and ive had three cups of coffee (and im on my fourth) lol  
> end note: i finished at 3am oops  
> ALSO YOU SHOULD COMMENT ON HOW IT IS BC I DONT KNOW WHAT TO CHANGE MISTAKES IF I DONT KNOW THERE IS ANY

Kaito sat in the same spot two hours later. It was about nine-ten o'clock. He was sitting there, eyes blank, unseeing. They were just pools of indigo _emptiness_ , a sea of dark purple-blue  _nothingness_. His hair was all ruffled and messy, more than usual. Kaito's casual clothes were all wrinkled and out of place. There were dark bags under his pink eyes, and his peach skin was pale; he looked sick. Again, drawing attention to his hair, it almost looked like he was pulling on it in desperation and anger.

The teen was staring at nothing. It was like he wasn't even alive; though the rise and fall of his chest proved otherwise. Kaito didn't notice the pair footsteps approaching him at a rapid rate. He didn't notice anything, everything was just... darkness. "Kaito-Kun! Kaito-Kun!" There was yelling that fell on deaf ears. Hakuba and Aoko stood before him, clearly worried. "Saguru... what do we do, he's not responding. Look at his eyes! Kaito-kun looks..." She trailed off, not wanting -no, not able- to say the next word. He looks dead, she wanted to say, but the words wouldn't form, and she just stood in shock. What happened to her playful, annoying brother? Aoko looked at Hakuba, wanting him to say something. The blonde kneeled down by Kaito, placing his hands on the brunette's shoulders.

"Kuroba-Kun," He whispered, gently shaking the teen. He gave no reaction. Saguru said his name, but louder this time. Still, Kuroba gave no reaction. The blonde teen looked up at Aoko, shaking his head. "He's not reacting." The state that Kaitou was in was terrifying, to say the least. The two wondered just what could have happened to make him like this? What happened to the trickster who always wanted to play pranks, the boy who never was sad, what could have happened to the most eccentric boy Hakuba knew to make him like  _this_?? Hakuba felt sick. Both Aoko and Hakuba jumped when a phone started vibrating. It was Kaito's phone. Surprisingly, it wasn't off. The pair had been calling and calling to get him to come back. (The two had forced a student who was in the room at the time to tell them where they were. That involved a mop and glares. Poor kid.)  The ID read "Shin-Chan" He picked up the phone and answered the call.

"Hey, Kaito, did you get to school okay?" The voice -unmistakably Kudou Shinichi- said worriedly. Hakuba choked on spit. Why was the _detective_ in contact with the  _phantom thief?_ (Hakuba knows it's him, but he doesn't try to catch him as much, he's just upset he can't prove anything. Kaito is one slippery snake.) "Kaito?" The teen detective asks from the other side after the blonde stayed silent. 

"Kudou-San," He spoke after a bit. A startled noise from the other side didn't phase Saguru. "There's... something wrong with Kuroba-Kun. He... He isn't responding. At all." The brunette on the other side on the phone hissed, and from what he heard, Shinichi was packing things up.

"Give me your location. I'll be there as soon as possible." Shinichi sounded completely serious and... worried too? Hakuba didn't understand what was between the two, but he would surely find out.

 

* * *

 

When Kudou got there, he beelined it straight for Kaito, kneeling in front of him. "Kaito?" He asked, laying a hand over his. "Kai?" He tried again, worry and distress lacing his voice. Oh. OH. Hakuba realized. Kudou and Kuroba were very gay and very in a relationship. With that, Kaitou's cold, unseeing eyes drifted to Shinichi. 

"Shin?" His voice was devoid of any emotion. It was just cold, like the teen just breathed out ice. The shorter teen grabbed both of Kaito's hands. Then, all of a sudden, he seemed to come back to life. His eyes gained some warmth.  Kaito stood up quickly, dusting off his clothes. He tried to play everything off. He forced out a laugh. "Hey guys, whats up? Why are you looking at me like that?" Kaito's poker face slid into place. He seemed to be okay. If they didn't see what happened last night and this morning, anyone would think that he was okay. The three glared. They didn't believe that shit one bit. Kaito wasn't okay, there was something wrong with him, and they would find out.

"Don't you dare give Aoko that lie, BAKAITO!" Aoko spoke up from behind Hakuba. If she had a mop, she would probably hit him with it. The brunette girl was in tears. "How dare you almost be  _dead_ then jump up and act like everything is okay and fine!" She was upset, and understandably so. Her best friend -no, her  _brother_ \- had lied to her and tried to cover everything up like it wasn't there "You can-"

"You wouldn't _understand_." Kaito was quiet at first, looking at the ground. His fists -that Shinichi had let go of accidently during Aoko's outburst- were curled up at his side, shoulders tense. "You wouldn't understand even if I told you. My father, supposedly died in an _accident_ , right? No. My father, the original Kaitou KID, was  _murdered_. He was murdered by an organization trying to look for a fairytale gem called _pandora_. It can supposedly make somebody immortal. When I learned of my father's actual reason for dying, two years ago, I knew what I had to do. I had to become Kaitou KID to stop them. Searching gem after gem. _Failure_ after  _failure_. It seemed endless. Before I knew it, Two years had passed and all I had were people hunting me and no closer to pandora," He spoke slowly, pain and sadness in his voice. The teen sunk to his knees. "You could never understand. This pain that I feel. Every single day, every single heist, I'm reminded that I'm  _useless_ , _worthless_. That I have no place to have the name Kaitou KID. Every day I am reminded that I'll never be as good as my father. And that in his eyes, I'm not good enough. Do you understand, Aoko? Every day is painful. Every day I know that I am failing him. There's no end- What if they already found it? What if I was too late and this whole quest was just useless?" Every word he spat out had so much emotion. Tears were leaking out of his eyes -as if he hadn't cried enough already- and whimpers and choked sobs came from his parted lips. His body shook with the amount of sheer  _emotion_ he was feeling. Everyone stared, shocked.  Shinichi and Hakuba already knew about him being Kaitou KID, but they really didn't know all of it. Shinichi knew some, but this was just too much. Aoko stared, tears welling in her eyes. She didn't know.

"I....I didn't...know," The girl could barely speak. She didn't know what to say, what to do. The brunette girl just stood there, hands over her mouth. She didn't know. She didn't know! How could she have known? The girl slid to her knees. The person her father wanted to get so badly was right in front of her, right under their noses the entire time. Every time that Kaito blew her off for an "errand", It was actually a heist? It made her feel sick. She couldn't believe it...


	4. Just an authors note sorry !

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kill me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so if you wanna talk to me  
> hit me up on my  
> Tumblr: [@yuiyuuyu](https://yuiyuuyuu.tumblr.com/)  
> Snapchat: @Shindonewhero  
> Instagram: [@yuiyuuyu](https://www.instagram.com/yuiyuuyu/)  
> Quotev: [@aishxte](https://www.quotev.com/aishxte)  
> By the way, quotev is a cringy fanfiction site  
> i just use it to talk to friends

Okay. so today I just realized i've been using the wrong 'Kaito' this whole time to refer to Kaito Kuroba  
""Kaito's given name (快斗) has different kanji than the word 'kaitou' (怪盗), which means 'phantom thief,' although they intentionally sound alike. ""  
im so ???  
His name means 'Kite'  
soo  
his name means 'Black Feather' and then the star sign for 'big dipper' i think.

I had an epiphany when I realized so i have to go back and fix everything so there will be a few changes

if i forget anything comment or hit me up on any one of my social medias ok


	5. another authors note but you do really want to read it

i hate everything about this so far really.  
i feel like its too angst heavy and just aa  
i hate it so much so,, im pretty much going to abandon it  
i don't really want to continue it anymore so i apologize


End file.
